Tying My Hands.

Last week, I finally received the results from Simon's latest bone marrow. Given Simon's counts, I fully expected the bone marrow to also be up. (The previous marrow had been at 30%). At the clinic, they have all been astounded by Simon's progress. Dr. Cook was expecting Simon's marrow to show continued improvement and was even talking about weaning him off his medication.

Then the doctor called. 15-20%. Not what any of us were expecting. I am trying desperately to take my cue from the good doctor and hold onto hope. God says He will never "leave thee, nor forsake thee." It is Dr. Cooks hope that the lower cellularity of the marrow is due to a sampling error, rather than actual further failure of the marrow. Rather than wait 3 months, they will do a bone marrow biopsy in September. Next time, the will take a sample from both hips. Which ever side has the highest cellularity will give a more accurate picture of the state of Simon's marrow.

Simon will be visiting the doctor at 11 this morning. While I am trying not to worry, I am also preparing myself for the worst. If his counts are falling, it will indicate the likelihood of failure. If Simon's marrow is failing again, it will require transplant.

None of Simon's siblings are bone marrow matches, which means Simon would have to find a match through the general registry. Transplants from an unrelated donor are more risky than from a relative. Bone marrow transplants are also more risky than other organ transplants. To start with, Simon would have to endure intense chemotherapy to totally wipe out his immune system. From the beginning of the process to the end, would require 3 months of living in Denver, either in the hospital or in special housing. He would not be able to leave Denver at all.

I start my new job next week. I have been hired as a kindergarten teacher at the school the kids attend. It is a dream job, and while I am a bit nervous, I am mostly excited. I feel like everything has just fallen into place for this job to happen for me. I call it a God thing. Not only will I be doing something I love and working with the best staff in the universe, but I will also be able to accelerate our debt elimination, build up our savings, and have some extra to be able to do some fun stuff with the kids.

While I know in my heart that God is in control, and that He knows the future, I am really struggling. I am trying to find solutions to problems before they occur. How can I be a full time mom to 4 kids in Elbert and a mom at a very sick child in Denver? How can I manage all of that while working full time? Neither of my cars are dependable enough to be driving back and forth to Denver everyday, not to mention the cost of gas to do so.

Bob is speaking to the powers that be at work about being able to work form home, should Simon have to go to Denver. He had been home for the last 6 months, but went back on the road 2 weeks ago. This one was supposed to be for 5 weeks, but it is looking like it may be much longer.

I am worrying and fretting about reliable, inexpensive transportation for the commute to Denver, when it isn't yet a certainty. I am worrying and fretting about juggling the demands of family and career and a sick child as a single mom. I am worrying about being up to the task that God has set before me.

The other day, I made a list of things that I am worrying about. Things that I have no earthly control over, or just seem unable to find solutions for. Topping the list, of course, is Simon's bone marrow. Many of the other items on the list are tied to the details should he go to transplant. (Reliable, good gas mileage car, is right up there.) These are the worries I need to hand over to God. These are the worries I hand over to him on a daily basis. Trouble is, I keep taking them back! The day I wrote these things down, I also decided that I was going to tie my hands behind my back to prevent me from taking them back. They are worries I do not want or need. I have given them to God, and I will keep re-tying my hands, until I am no longer able to escape the knots.

And I give thanks for a God wo is so much bigger than all my insurmountable worries.