I'm Not Brave

Some kids don't make it. People keep saying how brave I am, but I am not even a little bit brave. As I was leaving the floor this evening to get some ice water, there was a mom in tears near the elevator. She had a large blue plastic bag in her hand. Jason, who works the desk, was talking to her. I caught bits of what he was saying. "Won't be there when you go home." "Are you talking to someone?" "Promise me you will talk to someone to help you through this." I'd love to tell myself that I misinterpreted what I witnessed, but I know the reality is that some kids lose the battle against cancer. Some parents have to go home with empty arms at the end of this journey.

I am one of the lucky ones. Simon was healthy enough to get to transplant. I am one of the lucky ones. Simon had bone marrow matches easily available to him. I am one of the lucky ones. Bone marrow transplant is a cure for the monster that has attacked his body.

Not all families up here have a future to look forward to. There is not a cure for all cancers. The reality is that 20% of kids who are lucky enough to get to transplant, still don't make it.

I am not brave. I will tell you who the brave ones are. These kids are the brave ones, first and foremost.

Reilly, who is12 years old and has been hit hard with all the effects of the chemo, is the brave one. From mouth sores that prevented her from eating for weeks, to the loss of her long hair. Her mom is brave. Reilly has fanconi anemia. The 2 other patients who have been transplanted for fanconi at this hospital, didn't make it. Even if this transplant is successful, there is a high probability that she will develope leukemia or another form of cancer down the road. Reilly and her mom are the brave ones.

Story is the brave one. Story is 2 years old, and this is her second transplant. Before the transplant, she was running up and down the hall chasing a ball and laughing. At only 2 years old, this is the life she knows. Hospitals and chemo and feeling sick. Story and her mom are the brave ones.

There are others whose journeys I do not know. They are the brave ones. Sometimes, kids don't make it. I am not brave.