I Surrender All, or Do I Really?

I have been putting of writing this particular blog for a week now. I suppose the time has come to end the procrastination. The reason for the delay lies in the dread that comes with even thinking about these particular thoughts and issues. Even now, as I sit down at the computer, I find myself easily distracted, trying to avoid what must be dealt with.

At church last Sunday, we had a special guest who sang a song about our legacy. It got me to thinking about what kind of legacy will I leave behind. How will I be remembered? What kind of impact will I leave on this earth. From there, my mind wandered to Simon.

Regardless of how long or short his precious life may be, what kind of legacy will he leave behind? Life with Simon can be trying at times. He is bipolar. To him, there is only black and white. There are no shades of gray. For those of us who are willing to take the time to get beyond the uniqueness of Simon, we are able to discover a heart of gold.

While Simon is easily angered and has difficulties in dealing with his emotions, he also has a passion for people. He comes across as a loner, because he doesn't know how to cope with people a lot of the time. For him, it is often easier to play by himself or get lost in a book than to try to understand the intricacies of the emotions of others.

Simon has learned to build a wall of separation around himself. If he pushes others away before they reject him, he spares himself the hurt. Beyond the wall is a heart that loves deeply, and a passion that burns for justice. He is saddened by people who do not know Jesus.

The singer next sang a song that turned my thoughts to surrender. "The secret of life is letting go. The secret of love is letting it show. The power of prayer is in a humble cry. Take my heart, take my soul, I surrender everything to your control."

How does a parent let go of their child's life? When I accepted Christ as my personal Lord and Savior, I committed to surrendering all to God. As a parent, I would give my life for any one of my children. Surrendering my life is easy, but my children? Will I ever be able to say to God, "I surrender Simon to you. He is yours to take, if that be your will." Will I ever be able to surrender my children completely? If I am unable to surrender ALL, how committed am I to God?

If Simon's time on earth is cut short, I do not fear for what comes next. Simon accepted Jesus at a young age. He showed his committed through the act of baptism last summer. God has prepared many mansion for us in heaven.

My fear is for me and the rest of my family. How will we cope if one of us is taken from us? How will I cope if that part of me is ripped away? Even as I type this, the tears are streaming down my face. I want to run as fast and as far away as I can. I am unable to face the possible future.

Pastor Dave spoke of nurses of terminally ill children. The nurses speak of how the children prepare their parents for their death. The children do not die until they believe their parents are ready to let go. My heart is screaming from the pain. "Never will I be able to let go!"

Before my children were even born, I knew they belonged to God. He has placed them in my care with very specific instructions about training them up in the ways of the Lord. It is my responsibility to care for them physically, emotionally, and spiritually. In return, I have the privilege to love on them, watch them grow, and delight in their company. (That isn't to say that they are always delightful to be around!)

Until Simon became sick, the fact that they are only on loan to me has never bothered me. In fact, it has been a source of comfort. With Simon's illness, I am finding myself questioning my commitment to God's ownership of my children. I am able to speak the words, but will I be able to back them up with my actions if asked to do so?

If God requires me to let go of Simon, will I be able to do that? Will I be able to say to God, with all honesty in my heart, "Simon is yours. Your will, not mine be done." If I am unable or unwilling to do that, can I really claim to have faith in God? How can I claim to trust God completely, if I am unwilling to surrender my children to his will?

Abraham was willing to sacrifice his son Isaac on the altar, because he trusted God wholly and completely. Will I ever come close to that kind of strength, that kind of faith?

When we have an intimate relationship with God, we have to adjust our lives to God, not the other way around.

God sacrificed his son, Jesus Christ, on the cross in the most horrific kind of death imaginable, that we might have eternal life. He made that sacrifice for me and He made that sacrifice for Simon. I have to hold tightly to that fact while I grapple with the future.

I have to find peace in knowing that God can see the future and I can't. I have to find strength in the knowledge that God has never let me down. Regardless of what tomorrow brings, I have to rest in God's arms of love. His compassion fails not. He gives me "strength for today and a bright hope for tomorrow."

As difficult as it may be, I have no choice but to surrender all.